Learn how to make the moves that will impress your sweetie on Valentine’s Day—and all year round.
There it is again on your calendar: February 14th. The stores are ready to stock shelves with big red candy boxes and corny “I Love You” mugs. Yes, it’s time for our annual nationally advertised lovefest—and you may be feeling the pressure.
Have you got the right date planned? Do you know the moves that spell romance with a capital “R”? Wipe the sweat off your brow and skip your blood-pressure
Are you two a new couple? Bring flowers—try tulips instead of roses.
check. I’m a success coach and the best-selling author of Simple Spells for Love and 11 other books—and I’ve got your back, your front, and your sides.
Here’s your crash course in Romance 101; we’ll show you how to create a date to remember—and how to deploy some lovey-dovey gestures... on the 14th and any other day of the year.
If you’ve just started dating
You’ve just met someone. Maybe you’ve been on a couple of dates. It’s way too soon to do something big. This could be over next week, but then, this could be It—the relationship of a lifetime. A billboard declaring your feelings will get you a restraining order. Ignoring it altogether will probably throw cold water all over your budding love interest. What you need is exactly the right, light gesture.
1. Send funny snail mail. “I always liked getting a card in the mail—and if it was funny, even better,” says my friend Anne of New York. “I don’t feel pressured if it’s humorous versus a love poem.”
2. Give a traditional box of candy complete with map of fillings and a card that states your interest in vanilla crèmes or any leftover caramels—being a bit silly helps take the edge off the holiday.
3. Give your favorite all-time CD or book to your new sweetie. The best that can happen is that you agree on greatness. The worst is that you find out you have different tastes. Either way, it’s a good exercise in sharing what you care about.
4. Bring flowers but don’t get too gushy on the card. Instead of roses, try something more casual, like tulips or daisies.
5. Opt for a quick drink with your new love interest. Order Cosmopolitans or Cape Codders to bring some red into the evening. Say goodbye with a quick but interested kiss.
If you’re definitely dating
You need to show that you know your love interest well. Go for an inside joke or a gift that says “I get you.” This Valentine season is important: If you mess up, your relationship can take on a sour note. If you get it just right, it’s all sweet.
1. Re-invent dinner in. Rent a movie, preferably a mutual favourite, cook something that sounds amazing — no easy pasta or takeout — light a lot of candles and have some good wine on hand.
2. Donate to a common cause. If you are an earnest person with an earnest love interest, might as well get some bang for your buck. However, don’t for a second think that you can’t be romantic. Wrap the donation confirmation in a nice scarf or tuck it into the card that goes with your flowers... You can’t count on turning romance into a completely non-profit occasion.
3. Try a completely personal gesture. What makes your sweetie’s heart sing? If it’s good wine, show up with something nice... or take your date out to a wine bar or hotel lounge to sample the really good stuff. If your guy’s all about skiing and you’re not a fan of snow, suck it up and give him a coupon promising to spend a day with him on the slopes, even if you don’t head downhill yourself. If your honey loves to laugh and has a zany sense of humour, then listen to this story from my friend Angela: “I had been dating Kurt for about seven months. It was Valentine’s Day one weekend, and he picked me up for dinner wearing a red leotard with wings attached, red tights, with a bow and arrow. After I stopped laughing, which was a considerable length of time, he changed and out we went... I thought I had the best boyfriend in the whole world.”
4. Create a CD of your favourite love songs. Sharing those with your date says a lot, and jotting some liner notes about the tunes wins you more bonus points.
5. Do your homework. Without letting your date know, canvas your sweetie’s friends and family about what gift he or she would love... or a favourite activity (who knows, maybe what would really be thrilling is a hot fudge sundae on a mid-winter’s night?). Doing this kind of research shows real effort and caring.
If you’re a committed couple
You know without a doubt that you have to come up with something good. You’re under pressure to be sincere and show your affection. It’s time to step up to the plate…
1. Go the traditional route: Arrange a dinner out at your favourite haunt, and say “I love you.” If your partner doesn’t appreciate that, rethink your partnership.
2. Indulge yourselves. Arrange for a couples massage, and drink a bottle of champagne together. You’ll both feel good after that.
3. Surprise your partner at work with a little present (bestowing a gift in front of co-workers adds value) and steal away for a coffee and some chocolate together.
4. Write a love letter. No need to be poetic. Just say how you feel, how grateful you are to be with your true love, and mean it.
5. Hatch a big scheme. If you’re feeling flush, book a getaway for the two of you. Your mate will find that being presented with vacation all planned and paid for is irresistibly romantic—and the mileage from telling friends and family about the trip will only add to the joy.
Romantic gestures to try
OK, now that we have date-planning squared away, here are some devastatingly romantic moves to try:
For guys: Keep it quick, innocent, and indirect
1. Brush hair from her face (preferably near her brow, linger there, then back off).
2. Create a chance to slow dance — even if you're just kidding around — and go cheek to cheek for a split second.
3. Hold her hand when you're waiting in line for a movie or for a table in a restaurant. Hand-holding is very romantic and intriguing when you're just standing still.
For women: Tread the line between sweetness and suggestiveness with care
1. Suggest that your honey take a look at a book you have. Stand behind him, and turn the pages for him. Let your breath brush the back of his neck, peek over his shoulder and let your hair brush against his cheek.
2. When he cracks a joke that is funny enough, throw your arms around him and toss your head backwards in laughter. If you’re not that big a laugher, find another excuse to swing an arm around his shoulders—just doing so and saying, “I’ve been looking forward to seeing you all day,” works fine.
3. Go ahead—offer him a taste of your food. That old feeding-your-date move is an “old favourite” among romantic gestures for good reason!
12 Tips For Safe Online Dating
There’s a nervousness, thrill, and excitement that occurs when meeting a person for the first time face to face. Yet amongst the thrill, remember to always be on your guard when going out on a date with someone you barely know.Here are 12 tips on dating safety to help you get started:
1. Arrange to meet him. When meeting for the first time, never allow your date to pick you up from your home. In fact, your date shouldn't even know your home address yet!
2. Meet in public places. For a first meeting, always meet in a public place where other people are in close proximity. You may also want to consider going out with a group of people, or a double date.
3. Go dutch by paying half of the bill. It's always respectful for the man to offer to pay the bill. Unfortunately, some men ruin the gesture by expecting something in return. Therefore it may not be a bad idea for you to go dutch. Pay half the bill so that you won't feel under any obligation to "return" the favour.
4. Remember that alcohol affects your judgement.The biggest threat to a person's judgment, when on a date, is alcohol. Not only does it affect your judgment, but alcohol also lessens your inhibitions. If you are drinking, keep your drink in sight at all times and don’t get so drunk that you don’t know what you are doing. Better yet, try to avoid alcohol on your first date.
5. Use your own mode of transportation. Provide your own transportation to your public meeting place and make sure you have more than enough gas.
6. Don't assume that a man is safe. It's important never to let your guard down when on a first date. Never assume a man is safe just because he claims to be religious or a gentleman.
7. Don’t let him know where you live. If you want to see him again, arrange a second date and then take it from there.
8. Avoid secluded areas. Remember - stay in a public place for your first date and avoid secluded areas such as parks.
9. Listen to your gut. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. And if you haven’t met him before, and you know at the beginning of the date that something doesn’t feel right, then leave immediately.
10. Always let someone else know where you're going. Be sure someone knows where you are going and who you'll be with. You might even consider arranging a time to call and check in. Or you could arrange to meet up with friends later that night.
11. Give him your cell phone number. It's safer to give out a cell phone number instead of your home phone number.
12. Always remain alert. Even if you’re having a blast and the chemistry is great, it’s a good idea to remain alert the whole evening. Make sure you have a cell phone on you.Dating safely is very important. In the initial stages of dating and online dating, you are still getting to know someone you know very little about. By creating a safe environment to know the person, you’re creating a better situation for yourself.
10 Important Dating Tips for Men
There is a saying that "you never get a second chance to make a good first impression." With that in mind, it is vital to be fully prepared to make a great impression on each date you go on. Here are 10 tips for men on dating success and making an impression that will last.
1. Take a Bath or Shower. One of the worst things you could do when going out on a date (especially if it is your first date) is to turn up unshaven, looking dirty and smelling. Women are the cleaner of the species and will partly judge you on how hygienic you are. After all, you would be appalled if she turned up for the date looking like a mutt dog with tangled fur that hadn't bathed for days.It doesn’t cost anything to take a bath and to make an effort to look and smell nice. Remember, bad breath and body odour are an instant turn off and she will assume that this is how you are all the time even if you are just having a bad day. As a result, she won’t be able to see beyond your appearance.
2. Arrive on Time. Whatever you do, don’t turn up late. Turning up late will send out all the wrong impressions. At first she may think she's been stood up, but after arriving late her opinion will change to you being unreliable or not caring enough about her to be on time. If you are picking her up from her home then it is advisable to turn up five minute before you are due. Any earlier and you might catch her adjusting her makeup or still getting ready. Five minutes early is the earliest you should arrive. But never be late.
3. Give Her a Thoughtful Gift. A woman feels special when the man she is with gives her a thoughtful gift. What is a thoughtful gift? Well, you obvious know some things about a woman before a first date that came from phone conversations, emails, etc. Take what you know and buy her an appropriate date gift. For example, let's say that the woman really likes golf. There are companies that make chocolate golf sets - a miniature chocolate club with a chocolate tee and chocolate golf ball. This would make a great first date gift. For a generic thoughtful gift, buy a chocolate rose. That's always appropriate without being overboard.
4. Be a Gentleman. Hold the door open for her, let her walk through the doors first, pull her chair, and be polite to her along with the people around you. Women like to feel special and by treating her like a lady she will think you are fantastic.
5. Compliment her. The first thing to say to her is you look beautiful before you even ask how she is. Keep up the compliments throughout your date, but do not go over board (3-4 for the night should be more than enough). A woman loves to be complimented, to feel beautiful and to think that you are attracted to her. The more sincere and observant your compliment, the bigger impact it will have. But remember again not to go overboard. More than four compliments may make you appear fake and not real.
6. Listen to her and Ask Questions. Nobody wants to spend the whole night listening to someone talk about themselves. But you do have to get to know each other. Ask her questions, but more importantly listen to what she has to say. A woman is attracted to a man who is genuinely interested in hearing what she has to say. Spend a lot more time asking her questions and letting her talk than talking yourself.
7. Prepare for the Conversation. The last thing you want is to be sitting at a meal with nothing to talk about. Think about your date and what you would like to know about her. You may think that it is easy to talk and that you will not run out of questions to ask or that you will automatically have the answers but until you are in the situation, you have no idea what it will be like. Avoid talking about past relationships or other women while on the date. Keep your focus, attention, and conversation fully on her.
8. Pay for the Date. It's virtually always appropriate for a gentleman to offer to pay for the date. When a man takes it upon himself to pay for the date, he is displaying that old act of "chivalry" that is missing from many men these days. However, some women feel more comfortable going "dutch" and if she insists on this, then don't resist. To avoid awkwardness, make sure you let her know before the date that you plan on paying for it.
9. The Goodnight Kiss. Some women prefer not to kiss after a first date, while others may be disappointed if the guy doesn't even try. There is no easy answer to this question. Body language and chemistry throughout the night is key in the decision you make. If it feels right, then you may want to consider making the move. If it doesn't feel right then a friendly hug may be more appropriate.
10. I'll Call You. Only tell her that you will call her if you mean it and intend on seeing her again. Do not, under any circumstances, tell her you will call her if you are not interested and have no plans to call her. In this case, when saying goodbye, just say, "It was nice meeting you" and wish her luck. Or you could just say good night, smile and walk a way. But if you do like her and are interested, then you must let her know.
First Date Conversation Starters and Ideas
There is nothing worse, when meeting someone for the first time, than that awkward silence after the initial greeting. Kick the silence into orbit with these conversation starters:
» How was your day?
» You look really nice, where did you get (item in question)?
» How was work?
» Have you seen any movies recently? How did you like it/them?
» What kind of music do you listen to?
» What sports do you play or like? How long have you played for?
» What interesting things did you do this weekend (week)?
» Have you ever been to (a local restaurant)?
» What kind of foods do you like?
» Where are you from?
» Where did you go to school/college?
» Have you read any good books lately? Was it interesting?
» What do you normally do for fun?
» Do you like (an interest of yours)?
» What's the neatest place you've travelled to?
» What's one place you haven't travelled to yet that you really want to go?
These simple ideas will get the conversation flowing and you will find out what the other is interested in. Be sure to listen carefully to what the other person says so that you can ask follow-up questions while learning new things.
Chatroom Dating Tips and Chatroom Safety
Chatrooms are a great place to meet potential friends, and perhaps a potential partner. What's nice about chatroom dating is you don't have to dress up and pass visual inspection to go there and enjoy some great conversations.The anonymity of a chatroom means that if you mess up or don't want to continue to get to know the other people/person, you can just leave the chatroom. If you don't want to be known by who you were then you can simply change your nickname.This is not a license to be obnoxious, but it does give you plenty of room to practice making friends with strangers.Here are some tips to help you out when using chatrooms.STAY SAFEProtect your identity. If you want total control of the information that is revealed to the world through chatrooms, don't use your personal or your work-related email. You should sign up for an email account specifically to use for chatting online like Yahoo, Gmail, or Hotmail. If the chatroom you like to use has a profile link, be sure to keep the information you provide generic, like just your age and gender.Don't reveal private information. Be careful about the information you give in casual conversation. Don't give any hint of your work place, your home town or other personal info that can be linked to where you come from. It is vital that you use common sense when using a chatroom. If someone spent two weeks in a chatroom and wrote down everything you said, how easy would it be for them to identify you? Be careful never to reveal too many details about yourself.Listen to your head. Use your common sense and judgment. If someone sounds creepy or a bit dodgy, there's a good chance they are. If someone's flirting is getting a bit out of hand for your liking, then speak up or change your email address and nickname.GETTING TO KNOW PEOPLEBe honest. If you want people to be open and honest with you, you must also do the same. You don't have to go into personal details but don't pretend to be someone your not, otherwise you will only attract the people that are looking for the type of person you are pretending to be. It's much easier to always be open than to try and cover up (or even remember) all of your lies.Don't expect to much. Remember that you are using a chatroom, so you have no idea what this people really look like or what their personality is like. Be careful about building mental images of people because if you ever proceed to a meeting (or picture exchange) stage, you will likely feel disappointed because the person doesn't live up to the mental image you created. Keep an open mind and you won't be disappointed.Don't fake photos If you decide to swap pictures, send a current picture which is flattering, but doesn't hide or distort your true appearance. Misleading pictures are probably the leading cause of disappointments in relationships that start on the Internet. Whatever you do, make sure that you give a photo of you and not someone else or you’ll never be able to meet the person because they'll think you are someone else.Develop common activities. If you've hit it off with a potential date, then start by making dates with each other to share online activities, like playing online games or sharing a forum. Talk about how long you expect to communicate online before meeting. Make sure you feel comfortable with a person before even considering a meeting.Meeting. If you get to the point in your online friendship/relationship where you decide you want to meet each other, then arrange to meet in public where you will be comfortable and safe. Meet in a busy place, over coffee or a casual meal. Be prepared in case you don’t like the person and have a back up plan to "escape". Ask a friend to phone you an hour after meeting and you can tell the friend you will phone later if you two are getting on well. If you aren’t getting on well you can make an excuse and leave. Remember to always let someone know where you are at all times. Always be cautious.Online dating services are the preferred method of meeting people. However, chatrooms have always been a popular venue for getting to know others and eventually meeting people you've developed friendships with while chatting. If this is your case, then be sure to always use common sense and safety. It's easy to let your guard down after several successful meetings. Don't. Stay alert, safe, and enjoy your opportunity to make new friendships or potential relationships.
Romantic Moves that won't make you Gag
How do you shower your guy with heartfelt affection without making him head for the hills? Cosmo grilled tons of men (spanning the spectrum of sensitivity) to find out the tender, sweet, but not-too-sappy ways to melt their hearts.
You adore your man. You know it, and he knows it. Still, you want to drive the point home. But can you lavish the big lug with romantic vibes without setting off his anti-sap meter? The even bigger question: Do men even care about romance? Hell, yeah. Cosmo discovered that even the most macho dudes will warm up if you hone in on the kinds of gestures that get to them. "Boiled down, romance is the expression of love," says Greg Godek, author of 1001 Ways to Be Romantic. "But since men don't usually go for the traditional hearts-and-frills stuff that women do, you need to think more creatively."
If that sounds like more brain work than you bargained for, relax. We rounded up scores of men and got them to reveal what romantic stuff a girl can do to make them weak-kneed...and have them dying to return the favor!
2. "One girl called my mom for the recipe I loved as a kid, then surprised me with my favorite cornflake-battered chicken for dinner one night."
--Howard, 23
9. "If I'm up late working, my fiancee will bring me a little bowl of ice cream on her way to bed. It's usually not something I was thinking about but love, which proves how well she knows me."
--Chris, 29
12. "Theresa once taped a good-morning message and slipped it into my car's cassette deck at night so I'd hear it on my way to work that morning."
-- Leon, 27
21. "I was vacationing at the beach with my girlfriend last year. I woke up one morning to go for a swim and found my name spelled out in seashells on the sand."
--Dan, 27
26. "Tell me what an amazing time you had after a date. It may seem obvious, but guys are way more insecure than even we like to think."
--Liam, 24
29. "A girl at my gym -- who I thought would never give me the time of day -- left a note on the treadmill that simply said 'I have a crush on you.' Now that we're living together, we have it framed in our bathroom."
--Rob, 25
31. "Cook me the kind of dinner at your place that you'd get in a fancy restaurant. Do the whole candlelight thing -- and let me enjoy it in my jeans and T-shirt."
--Frank, 26
34. "Think of a nickname...a really good one. My girlfriend knows mushy stuff irks me, but I love that she calls me Tumbleweed -- and the best part is, no one but the two of us knows why."
-- Tyler, 28
37. "Make me coffee in the morning, just the way I like it: strong, plain (none of that flavored crap), two sugars, and a little bit of real milk. It's nurturing and simple but totally appreciated."
--Max, 28
44. "Teri and I email at work constantly, but one day, she sent me a love letter -- as in snail mail. It made my day."
--Bob, 28
Overcoming a Fear of Committment
Have you ever looked at a married couple and wished that you could be that lucky or maybe just that brave? It happens all the time. Believe it or not, more singles look at married couples and wonder how did those two people get there and how can they achieve that for themselves than wonder any other similar topic. More than even amassing wealth, a solid, committed relationship seems to be so far out there for some individuals that they don’t even know where to begin.
If you were to ask that same couple how they got to where they are today, you could bet their answer would not have a fairy godmother, a magic coach or a clock striking midnight involved. What it did involve were two people who cared enough about each other and about themselves to overcome the fear of commitment.
That fear is what causes some to hesitate entering into long-term relationships much less marriage because they are afraid it will be too confining or that the trade-offs won’t be worth it. Commitment itself seems to be uttered in the same breath as claustrophobia. There are a lot of people who’ll leave a perfectly good relationship just because of the dreaded C word.
For most couples that have already taken the C plunge --- there’s nothing to fear about commitment except fear itself. In most relationships, commitment enriches the bond between the couple and it allows the relationship to mature and grow. If you’re just looking for someone to have a good time with and only when you’re in a good mood on certain days of the month – then it’s like commitment isn’t what you’re looking for. Commitment is about the good times and the bad – it doesn’t require marriage. Marriage is the social institution that publicly acknowledges the commitment. Commitment can only be made by the two people who are involved and it’s about more than just putting up with bad habits, it’s about rain and sunshine, snow and drought or feast and famine. It’s about wanting to be there for those things – not just having to be there.
10 Ways to Flirt
1) Use Flattery
Flattery is to flirting what a match is to dynamite. Explosive. So to refine the power of flattery, you must be sincere. Expert, mutually rewarding flattery is harder to pull off than most people think. Here are some guidelines:
Figure out what strikes you about this person.
What potentially flattering statements would he or she most like to hear from someone else? What area of his or her person, accomplishments, or activities have not been totally confirmed by society?
Once you determine this, use it.
Flattery is most effective when there is an element of surprise. When someone doesn't expect the compliment. Telling a CEO that he is "doing great things for his company" is nice. But saying that you "love his sense of humor and his smile" will make his day. The first compliment he knows himself, the second he may suspect, but the fact that you mentioned this is delightful and surprising.
2) Say Hello With Energy
When you say hello, pretend that there is an electrical current pulsating through your body. It is brief--like turning on a light bulb just for a second. Remember that what follows from an introduction or meeting depends on how your new acquaintance perceives your hello.
Practice it. Listen to your voice on a tape recorder. Does it sound like you are happy to see them? Or does the tone project boredom, lack of interest, low energy, anxiety, or fear? Put a little sparkle in your voice, a lilt; but keep the overall pitch low.
3) Shake Hands
Handshakes are too formal for people interested in flirting, you think? Think again. Reaching out, touching a hand, holding it, squeezing it, and letting go are all very sensual, tactile, personal activities. When else, unless you make it to the hand-holding stage, will you hold this person's hand again? So make your first handshake count.
As in saying hello, a handshake needs special energy. Before you shake hands, mentally dwell on the sensations you expect to feel and receive in your right hand and arm. Focus attention to that spot, put energy into it, but not strength. Try these:
Flirtatious Handshake #1: The Politician
In this handshake you reach out with your right hand. If you are a woman, you should then reach out and slightly brush the fingers of his right hand with your left hand. This must be done quickly, so it's barely noticed. If you are man, with your left hand touch either her wrist, the top of her right hand, or the fingers on her right hand.
Flirtatious Handshake #2: The Squeeze
At the end of this shake, you finish with a tiny, extra squeeze. This should not be tight but merely a surge of energy. Then let go. Doing this signals that you are warm, confident, and that there is a definite attraction.
4) Make Immediate, Direct Eye Contact
If coordinated with what you are saying, this is the most effective and direct flirting technique. And even when not coordinated, it can be dazzling.
Eye contact establishes intimacy: it can be either intrusive or caring. So the power with which you lock eyes for the first time will determine the starting level of the conversation. If you lock eyes in a tentative fashion, expect a tentative conversation. If you feel a thunderbolt, fantastic! But watch out--overly sexual or inviting eye invitations are the main cause of misinterpretations of motives between two people.
5) Repeat the Person's Name
Follow the three-times rule regarding names. Repeat the name when you are introduced. "John?!? Great to meet you." Do it again when talking to your flirting partner or when referring to her in a three-way conversation. And mention it a third time when saying goodbye.
You can increase your chances of flirting success by doing your new companion a favor. Remind him or her of your name. Include it in an anecdote you are telling. Remember, if someone doesn't know your name, they have nothing to attach to the phone number you may have given them.
6) Ask "No One Ever Asked Me That Before" Questions
People are always interested in themselves. In fact, one definition of love is "What another person feels toward you when you reflect for them a view of what they'd like to think they are."
The same holds true in flirting, only on a more fundamental level. Each person loves to have someone as interested in them as they are in themselves. One way to satisfy that common desire is to ask questions. Not overly personal questions, but questions that are uncommon.
7) Do a Double Take
Have you noticed that people can tell when you are staring at them even in a car? How they turn and stare back? A double take has the effect of staring, but is 100 percent better. In effect, you are saying that something (another person, object, or activity) caught your attention. Since humans are by nature curious, this person will want to know what you see. He or she will meet your gaze, and--Eureka!--from across a crowded room something will have begun.
8) Ask for Your New Friend's Life Story
Everyone loves to talk about themselves--and after they've revealed some of their inner thoughts and ambitions, they feel so close to you. A magical bond has been established. But the trick here is to go first. If you ask a person out of the blue to tell you about themselves, it amounts to a demand to perform and puts them on the defensive. But if you go first, they'll feel much more open and will reveal more.
Carefully choose the place for all this. If there are people around who can hear, then don't exchange life stories.
9) Have Something to Say by Keeping Up to Date
One of the plusses of being with another person is that you are stimulated intellectually. Another person makes you think of things, do things, try things, and vicariously experience things you normally wouldn't. So, make sure you are a good partner when you flirt.
The easiest, fastest, and best way to keep up to date is to familiarize yourself with the news of the day; best-selling books, records, videos; top-grossing movies; etc. One really great way to do this, of course, is to read about what interests you online.
10) Play with a Piece of Clothing
For women: Dangle a shoe in a rhythmic way, play with an earring. Applying a tiny bit of lip gloss from a pot can be very flirtatious, but avoid powdering your nose, it makes you look old. The secret here is not in what you are doing, but in the rhythmic movements you are making. Rhythm is both sexual and comforting.
For men: Adjust your tie, your cuffs, your hair. Twirl your drink. Pacing is very masculine, and if done in a steady tempo can be somewhat appealing. It also allows a woman to ask why you are doing it.
